| Unbound |
[Oct. 10th, 2007|12:33 am] |
Gasps for breath through
Murky waters with no temperature
Black debris in the undertow
Memories sweep by
Even seaweed avoids
The dark water rocks the patio gates
Rings of muck line the back walls
Of grandma's house
The apathy of the current
Invades the old shed
As childhood gets looted by the shadow
Sleek in the deep
A slight reflection as a dark hump
The turtle struggles to be unbound
It fights through the choppy surface
Emerging as wolf
Mangled with the gunk of the sludge
It is defeated, and weighed down
It cannot make the jump
From the old bus bench to the shed roof
Whimpering back
It falls under
Relentless waves
The turtle fights for the surface again
Only to be unbound
The strong, stubby limbs are strong
It won't let me free it
Wrestling for the deep
And the wolf struggles at the surface |
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| An Old Pair of Boots |
[Aug. 17th, 2005|01:21 am] |
It will be on a dreary November night
That his heels will clunk up the pavement
He'll come before morning and out of sight
You'll be surprised he escaped your enslavement
Maybe he'll comment on how well your tan looks
What you'll realize by his weathered clothes
He's found secrets that can't be found in books
This man you once knew carries the sun wherever he goes
How well will you be able to recognize his glee?
He'll climb so high you'll just have to admire the rungs
How much will you regret that you let him leave with no guarantee?
His answers to your questions will be in foreign tongues
Among his bags he packed and the boxes he stacked
The only thing he'll bring back will be an old pair of boots
"I'm sorry I've changed," he'll abstract. "But I had to find my roots."
Then you'll notice how prominently he stands in that leather
And you'll try to forget the times you spent together
Because this man won't be who you remember
When that dreary night comes in November. |
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| When Day Breaks, First Part |
[Aug. 12th, 2005|03:46 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | "Delicate," Damien Rice | ] |
SF Day 0
She left abruptly a little after midnight. I would have stayed as long as she did. I think she knew this. She was never comfortable with the power she had over me.
I hadn't been getting enough sleep all week, and I wasn't going to sleep at all that night. I got right back out of bed and started packing the last of my clothes and things. The sunrise was too long from then and I would not wait for it to guide and comfort me on my path.
"Justin?" I asked in a low voice through his door. "It's that time."
As I walked her out I desperately tried to think of what I'd say to her. But nothing came. I had no idea what to expect from her or myself. She stopped at her car door and turned around. Our eyes met, then quickly fell away. We hugged, and between us Tyson came from the shadows as we pulled away.
"I love you, too. Take care of Mom and Dad." We both turned around with our heads low and didn't look at each other. My shoulders swaggered through the halls and doorways in an almost delirious hurry. I had the whole night and morning ahead still. But I had to leave, before I felt the weight of more anchors trying to keep me in port.
I hesitated at my parents' door. My nostrils and eyes began to sting, and my vision became blurry. I reached for the doorknob, then stopped. No other moment in my life has made me feel so many different emotions at once, and with such furosity. Karyna came walking down the hall with Justin behind her. "Bye," I whispered to her as I moved my body forward into the door and took a deep breath.
"Sorry," I whimpered.
"No, I'm sorry, Andrew. It's just, I need to be careful. I don't want to-"
"Yeah, I know, I know. I've... I'v been confused recently. About us. I mean, confused about what we're supposed to be now and going to be. I overstepped my bounds, I'm sorry." As soon as I said it, I realized I wasn't sorry. I would have been sorry if I didn't try to kiss her. It was then that I was ready to say goodbye to her. As she drove away, I picked up Tyson and didn't look back.
Justin watched me drive away. He didn't see my tears that had finally fallen, nor did he ever ask why I was going away or when I was coming back. He was never a good brother, but God damn it, I'll still miss the asshole.
Making the turn from Dawn St, I calculated in my head: 1:00a plus six hours equals San Francisco at 7:00a, just before traffic. The drive was familiar to me by that point; drive up the 5, go west at the 152 to the 101, then the 380 to the 280 right into SF. No problem.
I felt somewhat relieved after she was gone, and the tension with her. The smell of her on me drove me mad. It made me angry, it made me jealous, it made me relaxed, and it made me dreamy. I went to Justin's room to see what he wanted earlier. I opened the door to see a woman nestled on the side of his bed on his pillows. She got up quickly and I saw it was Karyna. She presented me with a big jar of Nutella and we both laughed. "You can't leave home with out it!" she exclaimed. I thanked her for the gift, gave her a hug, and told her goodbye. "When are you leaving?" she asked as I turned to leave my brother's room.
"At dawn."
I was reminiscing times I had with Barbie as I overlooked the lit Los Angeles downtown skyline when I realized I had strayed from the 5 freeway onto the 101. It took me to the 110 which brought me back to the 5 and to much relief. I decided that it would take more than that to stop me.
A CalTrans sign read that all lanes of the 5 were closed off after Six Flags. I had to make a split decision at the unfamilar 118 freeway: take it West, take it East, or see if there were any more alternate routes up ahead. But time was important, because if I stalled for too long, I would hit morning rush hour into SF.
The 118 West took me to the 23, which was really unfamiliar to me. I went North, which was obvious to me. The highway became a very dark road that went into discomforting hills. My intuition and sense of direction told me to turn back, so I did. Going South, I got back on the 101 N heading out of Ventura and into uncharted territories for me.
I'm sure it was the lack of sleep or the mists, and perhaps all the stress and excitement, but I began to momentarily see small animals scurry across the highway right in front of my car. It was about 3:00a when I began to see the silhouettes of trees and foliage growing out of the sides of the road, where my headlights could not go. They walled the sides of the road and grew over it. I kept flashing my highbeams every few miles to see that there was only fog, dying grass and weeds on the road, with some occasional trees away from the highway.
The trees began to hang down over the road, and it got thicker and lower as I drove on. I convinced myself that they were not trees because there weren't any. The mysts continued, and Darkness pushed down on me. I was afraid to look and see what was in the night, obstructing my view. My paranoia sunk me deep into my seat and I leaned far over the steering wheel to look up at the pitch black night sky. I saw clear, close, beautiful stars and wondered why I did not see them before, and how it was that I could see them only straight up and not across the sky.
Around 4:30a I parked in a Wal-Mart parking lot in Moorpark to rest my eyes. The 101 is a lot colder than the 5, so I changed out of my cargo shorts and into some jeans while in the parking lot, behind Gitana. I had a snack and hit the road again after 5:00a. My journey wasn't even half-way over yet. I looked to the East for any sign of the sun, but it was just as cold and dark as the road ahead.
At six I got a voice message from Justin, asking to call home when I had a chance. I didn't hear my phone ring at all. I was between Monterey and Salinas and was not getting any reception to call back or text. The morning light struggled through the mists and fog, creating an ugly grey haze. I was exhausted on all levels and just wanted the sun to shine down on me, even if for a few seconds. It would have made a good omen and comforting feeling. But their was no sun, and my entire journey thus far had consisted of darkness and doubts. Not a single mile had gone by with out the question in my head: "What are you doing?"
My call got through at Salinas, and I told Mum that I was fine so far. I felt bad for leaving in the night and having them worry, but what else would have come to stop me in the morning?
Driving past San Miguel, I kept watching over my right shoulder excitedly as the tip of the orange sun danced on the hilltops of the nearby mountainous horizon. I waited for the rays to hit me in this one brief moment the fog and clouds had dissipated. I watched the light stretch down and across the top of the hills to my left. My foot pushed on the gas to out race the looming mountains on my right that would soon cover my long-awaited sun. With my whole life packed into boxes and bags, all doubts and exhaustion left me. The light stopped sliding down the hills to my left then faded entirely as the sun disappeared behind some suddenly tall mountains to my right, and a new mist crept over the hills and around the highway as it darkened again.
After traversing more hills and fog, I took notice of the gray and misty marshes next to the highway and appreciated their beauty, because I was sure nobody else did. An alien, dark structure stood through the mist in the distance of the marsh. Driving on, another stood closer and to my deep resentfulness and anger, I realized they were nodding oil pumps. Suddenly, the entire marshes filled with them, and my anger and resentfulness quickly turned to horror and hopelessness. They went along the highway for miles and as far as I could see through the fog into the depths of the marshes, raping the land and destroying millenia of bio-cooperation. I wanted to stop and light my SUV on fire, then throw myself in the flames for being a culprit of The Greatest Catastrophe. I drove faster through the marshes and wasn't sure if I wanted to make an effort to remember it or forget it.
By rush hour, I had trekked into San Clara County while bustling San Jose still loomed ahead, with the congested Silicon Valley after and a final straight-away through the peninsula into San Francisco.
My thoughts raced as I pulled the covers on my bed and climbed in. When should I leave? How much sleep should I try to get? Is my family going to be alright? Do I need to stay a while longer for them? Why am I leaving her behind? Will we ever Be?
Her scent still lingered. I sprung out of bed. "Fuck this shit. I'm out of here. Now."
I hadn't been getting enough sleep all week, and I wasn't going to sleep at all that night. |
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| Love Child |
[Aug. 7th, 2005|12:29 am] |
I saw a picture of you
Recently, you look even younger
Than before
It was a different age
But we weren't so different then
Who have you become
After all of these years?
The lessons and trials
You've undergone
Have they molded you into something better?
"Pathetic" is hard to spell with putty
I bet you still write your poems
Carefully crafted
For pity
And comfort
Because no one else
Tells you how special you are anymore
Except, of course,
For those whiny little boys
With their eye liner and gelled hair
And fully-paid tour of
The School of Hard Knocks
Sponsored by their yuppy parents
You should be so proud
After all of these years
At what you've become
I certainly wouldn't have been able
To betray myself
As much as you did
And to break so many promises
I thought you were so special,
Once
I believed in the things you preached
I'm glad we both grew out of it
But then again,
I can only speak for myself
Love Child,
Have you forgotten what you stood for?
Or have you just become too weak and lazy?
Love Child,
Pick yourself up
Before you get pushed out of the way |
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| I Will One Day |
[Mar. 17th, 2005|09:52 pm] |
Restless,
A child in bed
With a growing pain
Calling,
A midnight snack
After missing supper
Quiet passion, hiding in the corner
A thief, stealing slumber
Take to pen, return to sleep
The craving calls, and I am restless
Bedtime stories,
Heroes of Old and
The rise and fall
Of great kingdoms,
Dreams of glory
And of love forsaken
Quiet passion, hiding in the corner
A thief, stealing slumber
Take to pen, return to sleep
The craving calls, and I am restless
Vivid imaginations
Form lives of their own
Evocative ideas
With no foundations
I’m still dreaming, Mama
And Father, I will make you proud. |
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| Different Sides |
[Mar. 17th, 2005|10:33 am] |
Relaxation, promiscuity, and public transit
Are things she'll miss when she comes back
Our gods are still fighting each other
If only they stopped for talk and tea
Their love child would be perfect
And we'd both have the same god to worship
Airplane ticket stubs and a farmer's tan
Are things she'll have when she comes back
Old photographs of the years gone by
Funny, how new memories are quickly made old
I can't recognize her anymore
And if I did, I think I'd be scared
She left alone somewhere disheartening
Thinking of her makes me kind of sick sometimes
Her barriers were tall and her walls were thick
But the obstacle that discouraged me the most
Was the bridge that she burned,
She left us on different sides
I don't think I'll be here when she comes back,
And I don't think I want to be.
Wisdom, time, burritos, and love
Are things she'll seek when she comes back
Vicariously living her life through movies and songs
She's living her own soundtrack
When she gets to the end she'll want to rewind
She'll find that she can't and try to understand
Friends, attention, and responsibilities
Are things she'll find when she comes back
She's comfortable with who she's become
That much I can tell, she's helpless and carefree
I wish I could be here when she finally comes around
But she's not helping me, and she doesn't care |
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| Time For |
[Mar. 15th, 2005|10:56 pm] |
Enough mistakes
And too many regrets
Lives unlived
All we have is time |
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